Teacher Burn Out is Real!
I have been MIA for a while,. I havent' paid attention or focus on my dream of owning my on consulting/tutor business, I have gave the attention that I gave my TPT store during our quarentine . I have to say I am mad at myself, I was making momentum, starting to see changes in growth in one of the residual income streams I started and then the once they decided we were going back to school, as all teachers were doing scrambling to learn new tech, rewrite lesson plans and rethink how they teach. For me, it has been rough. I really wanted to return to work, but it has been rough. I felt like a beginning teacher. We wentt from using google classroom and zoom to being told that we had to start using Canvas and Web Ex. Uh, What is that ? Man was I in for a shock. After 5 intro courses, I was more overwhelmed than when I started. I was so lost and had to rewatch the videos so many times that my head was swiming and my mind blown. I had one week to get this down. I found myself in tears a lot of days and still do. If learning the ins and outs of canvas wasn't enough I then had to learn how to upload assignments into it weekly. Do you know how many clicks that takes? Then if you go check them in student mode, you have to start all over again. Oh my gosh I wasn't sure I would be reading for the beginning of the year. We spent the first 3 weeks remote teaching in an empty classroom.
As I set in this empty classroom day in and day out, I wondered if things will ever get back to normal. I spent each day re working canvas lesson from day to day based on the previous day and then was tasked with getting ready for face to face learning to be told we would be doing both. I got in my car at the end of that day, walked in my house and set on the sofa. All of the sudden, tears fell in buckets. I really didn't know what I was crying for at first. As I slowly composed myself, I knew why. Things are going to be tough, I now had to balance teaching both remote and face to face at the same time. How the heck was I going to be effective was my fears. As we entered into trainings to prepare for doing both, I found myself getting negative, getting scared, getting frustrated and down right mad and ready to QUIT!! I had to dig deep to go into work daily. Each day I found myself looking at the negatives, I couldn't get past the fact they were asking so much of us and now I have to be cautious about my health, make sure I am giving equal education and time to both groups of kids. You no what that meant right? I had to redo lesson, I was working until 5:30 oclock on campus, going home and working more hours. The weekends were a bust. I would spend all Saturday reving each day for the next week. I re loaded and loaded lessons so many times that my head was spinning.
My mind was reeling with thoughts of school daily to the point that I couldn't sleetp. I toss and turn every night with questions of did I do this? Did I do that? What do I need to do? What needs to happen next? I was so worried about being prepared and doing my job, that I lost sight of myself. As if that wasn't bad enough, social media was infuriating, I saw non- educators posting how teachers weren't doing their job, we were bing crucified with negativity. If only they knew. Even at the end of last year, we were scrambling to be preapred to teach the last nine weeks remotely during the quarentine. We used gooogle classroom and set up lessons daily. I rushed to get resources from school in staggered shifts when hwe were allowed to do so to limit contact. The teachers had to meet via zoom to plan and rework lessons that we had crafted for live teaching into Asychronous learning, while making sure it was engaging enough that kids would show up and join. Yet, that didn't happen and we are being blamed for that too!! I begin to worry about it all, I was consumed with making sure that I responded to the students who were participating, emailing the ones that didn't and writing and uploading lessons in google classroom, now Canvas. I was asked to change my layout so many times that it was crazy, because of complaints that it wasn't easy to manuever. I struggeled with mental exhaustion. As I had the unit, date, and webex meeting listed daily. I am old school and love paper pencil. I teach reading so doing it on line is very challenging, Trying to keep track of kids reading independently is even more challenging, especially if they are not showing up or doing the task ask of them daily. I
I showed up every day logged into google classroom and responded to kids doing the task, we had zoom meetings twice a week to have physical check ins. Every day my colleagues and I would go back over what we had just did and make sure it was ready and okay for the next day. We did this for a whole nine weeks, and than the first 3 weeks of school. So to say we weren't doing our job was disheartening. To see people who cheered for us at one point criticize us the next took a tole on me mentally and emotionally. I was already at my wits end as how to get all my kids to engage daily, wondering if they were truly learning anything, If they were alright or needed anything, worried about the students that needed addtional support in class, how were they expected to do the lessons alone. I felt like a failure and than someone reminded me of this, what do you have control over? My actions and me was the answer. However, as we know the problem with teachers is not that we care, but we care too much! That we worry about our students more than our own kids at times, but that didn't seem enough. I had to get off social media and get it together.
FastForward today we have been doing Hybrid teaching for 6 weeks, it seems like nothing has changed I am still worried and mentally exhausted trying to get kids to show up and participate, to develop lessons that are not only good for sychronous learning but asynchronous as well. So we always had to ask, If the kids didn't show up could they do this lesson without me? A lot of times we had to modify and adjust or I don't know aobut other teachers but I was answering email way past 4:15. I was answering emails and call on weekends from not just students but parents as well. I am spending everyday teaching to two groups of people. I feel chained to the computer at times. I found myself walking around with the computer in my hand. I misss checking in on kids and running Reading workshop the way intended, Instead we were all in mask, with deskshields not moving from our seats, Everyone working on the computer so that things could be equitable.
I feel trapped at times. I can't do anything unique, or get off script and take a turn from the lesson because of questions the students ask or things that I see them doing in their journals as I walking observing and taking notice of things. The team has to use the same teaching methods, so it will be consistent, I am no longer able to be creative on the spot and teach the way I want and really show my love of Reading. The kids are glad to have physical contact and be able to socialize with friends and I am glad of that. However, I am mentally tired, talking to webex where cameras are closed and no one responds when your ask questions or make a comment, where kids show up sometimes 30 minutes late or even 10 minutes before the class is over, I give assignments and they are not done, or during class they don't participated in the task we ask of them. I am tired all the time mentially and I notice it is affecting my health along with areas I refuse to let the negativity, emotional and mental aspect of all this seep into my family. I am overwhelmed and mentally exhausted.
I wonder daily if I will make it through the whole year. I have never cried so many tears in my whole teaching career, not even as a beginning teacher and that year was rough!! I contemplate quitting daily, especially since tht toll I mentioned earlier has seeped into my house hold. My daughters are feeling my anxiety and frustration I brought it home. I hated it. I realized one weekend how I was not a fun person to be around. I was snappy and moody or I was constantly tied to the computer working. After having a not so fun conversation with my girls I decided to step back and look at things, My doctors were worried about me, my daughters were worried about me, my family was worried about me. Everybody was worried about me but me. I write all this to say, Teachers are humans, we have feelings, we are not break, we are working our behinds off to still teach to the highest quality given the circumstances. We are giving grace to kids and not getting grace from outsiders, You have good teachers quitting and leaving the classroom due to the constraints and restraints being put on them. Until you walk in my shoes all I ask is that you don't pass judgement on something you have no knowledge about because your having to particiapate now.
